Taming a Tornado
Top Characters in Twister(s), Ranked
“You mean to tell me Billy knows what a storm is thinking?”
- Dr. Melissa Reeves
In honor of the recent release of Twisters, I’ve gone back to my pop-cultural lab to present the definitive rankings of the major characters in both installments of the movie Twister(s). There’s a twist, though (ha!—had to throw in a dad joke 😂). These rankings are about who you would most trust in a twister. So, put on your harness like Tyler Owens driving straight into a storm, and get ready to enter the suck zone!
10. Jo’s deceased father - This may seem counterintuitive. Surely, mistakes were made. He left their adorable pup, Toby, barking outside the shelter, which hasn’t aged well. Additionally, he attempted to hold shut the door to the shelter against the power of an F5 tornado. When the (rather flimsy) latch broke, the door then acted like a sail, carrying him to his death. Could Jo’s childhood trauma have been avoided? Surely. Yet if so, we wouldn’t have a fantastic movie. So Jo’s dad gets an A for effort.
Survivability Rate: EF0 or below.
* the survivability rate is based on the Enhanced Fujita Scale that the latest movie references. Here’s a point of reference:
9. Airport Traffic Policeman - While this may seem random—a seemingly insignificant background character who never faces an actual storm—he is anything but. As he reminds Tyler while sitting in a non-idling zone at the airport, you gotta keep moving (which is vital for a storm). Also, in a cool twist, Paul Scheer is the only character to appear in both movies. This comes with a caveat: he was in his mother’s womb in the original (ha!). Here’s a great clip of him talking about it:
Survivability Rate: EF1 or below.
8. Robert ‘Rabbit’ Nurick - I know, the guy on the maps seems like an obsolete position in the age of map apps and self-driving cars. But when the entire system crashes and it’s time to go off the grid, as it did recently, this is the guy you want. Pair this with his signature confidence and ability to talk in the first person on command, and you’ve got a certified winner.
Additionally, in a storm, you need levity. This may be one of the best lines in either movie: “In a severe lighting storm, you want to grab your ankles and put your butt in the air.” It should also be noted what a career Alan Ruck has had: Twister, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Speed, and most recently, Succession.
Survivability Rate: EF2 or below.
7. Jonas Miller - While he may be the antagonist, a man selling himself out for corporate interests, there’s another side to the story. Consider 1996, the year before Billy Beane took over the A’s, ushering in the moneyball era. Could it be that it was not Beane, but Miller, who ushered in an age of advanced analytics? Maybe—potentially. Did he also die an absolutely gruesome death because of his complete reliance on the data? Well, yes. Maybe this is a cautionary tale for modernity? Hmmmm, just maybe…
Survivability Rate: EF2 or below.
6. Dusty Davis - Unquestionably, Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s performance is the best in either movie. If you want proof of why you should trust your life to this renaissance man, here’s a reason: First, he knows that sustenance is essential for surviving any storm:
Secondly, he knows the importance of a quality playlist to start the day:
Lastly, he is a man who knows how to make complex ideas simple:
What else needs to be said?
Survivability Rate: EF3 or below.
5. Dr. Jo Harding - A risk-taker at heart and addicted to adrenaline, Dr. Jo is willing to put everything on the line. Surely, she has some unresolved trauma that causes her to live in a constant whirlwind of repressed grief. But hey, it was 1996—mental health wasn’t exactly mainstream back then.
One thing she has going for her, though, is style. Sporting khaki-colored trousers with a white tank top and a digital watch is like something straight out of an H&M catalog. Or, may I dare say, almost tech-bro-y—where you don’t want to flaunt your wealth or suffer from decision fatigue because of how important you think you are, so you keep it simple. Survivability is all about being able to function when everything is stripped away, and Dr. Jo’s got it.
On a more serious note, though, the moment Dr. Jo hears about a loved one potentially facing an F5, she goes immediately, proving that she won’t leave you behind, which is most important of all.
Survivability Rate: EF4 or below.
4. Tyler Owens - Glen Powell in a white t-shirt while walking in the rain—what else needs to be said? Thank goodness they didn’t cut the scene in the end, as it is definitive proof that you can put your life in this man’s hands. On a more serious note, though, a cowboy scientist who is as smart as he is good-looking, paired with an influencer impulse that leads him to shoot fireworks straight up into a tornado for entertainment? This clip is all you need to see:
All I have to say: In Tyler, I Trust.
Survivability Rate: EF4 or below.
3. Bill ‘The Extreme’ Harding - Watching Bill pour dirt from his hand to determine when the next tornado is coming is like watching something straight out of The Natural. A man, gifted by the gods with a supernatural instinct to know when and where twisters are forming, is the person you want to entrust your life to in a storm.
Now, there may, again, be reservations similar to Rabbit. Do you really need instincts in an era when ChatGPT and AI are on the rise, when the Jonas Miller types now run the world, and hard data is increasingly driving decisions? Probably not. But when the world feels like it's falling apart—say, post-election—you'll definitely want someone like Bill to guide you through the chaos.
Survivability Rate: EF4 or below.
2. Kate Carter - Kate is somewhat similar to Bill, essentially filling his archetype in Twisters with her innate instincts. This is best personified when she grabs a dandelion and senses the wind, a fitting homage to the original. However, she has one thing on Bill: she TAMED a tornado.
She’s like a good, but not great NFL quarterback who wins a few rings thanks to a quality defense and special teams, thus justifying every move she makes even if doubts linger about her actual ability (think Eli Manning-esque). Also, she’s definitely on that Dr. Jo catalog for clothes, which equals style points and an increased chance of surviving any storm.
Survivability Rate: EF5 or below.
1. The (Dodge) Ram - Earlier, I mentioned that Paul Scheer’s character was the only one appearing in both movies, but that’s not quite accurate. If we include inanimate objects that save countless lives and basically drive an entire plot, the Dodge Ram is unrivaled. For example, in the original, the Ram survives twin tornadoes, a cow blowing by, and driving through an entire house—proof that this vehicle is the real MVP. Here's a clip showcasing the indestructible Ram in action.
Now, in an age of weird conspiracy theories, I want to tread carefully. But here’s one that’s been on my mind: Are the Twister movies just one long, story-based marketing ploy for the Ram? For example, in the latest edition, Tyler’s souped-up version drives straight into an F5 storm and survives. Additionally, Glen Powell has been doing Ram commercials up to the release of Twisters. Coincidence? I think not. Either way, let’s call it what it is—the Ram = the GOAT 🐐.
Survivability Rate: The Finger of God (EF5 or above)
Head to a movie theater to catch the new release, or stream the original Twister on Max. Let’s celebrate quality pop-cultural works, and if you haven’t yet, please subscribe and share!