Don't Deny Death
Why pondering your mortality (really) matters
“Human stories are practically always about one thing, really, aren’t they? Death. The inevitability of death…all men must die.” - J.R.R. Tolkien
“To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death.”
- Michel de Montaigne, The Complete Essays
I still remember when my boys abruptly declared their of the dark. It was a few years ago now, but the moment has stuck with me. Surely, a fear of the dark is not a peculiar phobia for a young child, but what was striking is how the sentiment arose out of nowhere with no needed prompting. Recollecting this had made me ponder, if in every culture, darkness is so readily feared?
In one of my favorite books, Madeleine L’ Engle articulates a similar sensation, writing, “I’m afraid of the dark—not afraid to go up the stairs in the physical darkness of night, but afraid of the shadows of another kind of dark, the darkness of nothingness, of hate, of evil.” Her issue is less about darkness itself, and more about what darkness represents: the unknown, the uncertain, the uncontrollable—an almost malignant type force crouching in every corner.
The most common response to darkness is to provide illumination. For most littles, this comes through some variation of a nightlight. (With my boys, we didn’t just have a nightlight, as our house had enough lights to brighten a small village.) Quickly, the existence of darkness gets remedied by the presence and power of light, which is problematic in an unexpected way. Despite trying to earnestly help littles, darkness still looms in the corner of every room and night arrives without their permission.
Could a better solution be to teach younger generations to befriend the dark, journeying into the shadows without a flashlight? I do wonder if this would more adequately prepare them for what lies ahead. Would they be more equipped to sit in sorrow—and, even a little less scared of death? Honestly, I won’t find out, because scarring my kid’s with new age parenting practices is not a high priority. Though, I can decide to personally do the above.
Yes, I am terribly afraid—more than I dare admit to others—but in-time, I can learn to not fear the night, for it prepares me to meet my end. And maybe this practice, of gradually entering into the depths of darkness, can actually better prepare my own heart for what is to come. Could this be the antidote for the underlying fear in most? Potentially. I think so. Or, at least, I hope so.
“Death destroys a man: the idea of Death saves him.”
- E.M. Forster, Howards End
“Death is grace, the greatest gift of grace that God gives…Death is mild, death is sweet and gentle; it beckons to us with heavenly power, if only we realize that it is the gateway to our homeland, the tabernacle of joy, the everlasting kingdom of peace.” - Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Even while reflecting on this topic, I still am terribly fearful of death. Having lost multiple loved ones in sudden tragedies, I know how unrelenting the grave can be. To speak of death as a gift of sorts seems like the opposite of reality. But could this be how the promises of God work: pain, the prerequisite for progress—the stronger the suffering, the more worthwhile the struggle. Like hiking a series of switchbacks, not experiencing the full scenery until reaching the summit, so is the arrival of the soul upon death.
Reflecting on my end has led to a daring vision guiding my internal world. My foremost goal, after a life of numerous endings and beginnings, is that I die in the safety of my home, surrounded by friends and family, facing death with courage. For me in this moment, courage is displayed through total acceptance and faithful presence to death knocking at my door. Not distracted with technology, not theologizing away pain, not working to prove my worth, not trying to find a medical solution to prolong life, fully present as my last minutes wind down and the clock finally hits midnight.
In those fleeting moments, when my last breath leaves my lungs, I will have achieved something no one can take away. More elusive than the secret waters of immortality that explorers and pioneers once dreamed, my body will be compromised; but my heart, full of courage. Surely, those present will cry, as people do when knowing it will be a while until you're together again. However, our tears will not be devoid of hope.
Taking my final breath, I believe I will know the fullest expression of grace. As if climbing the tallest of peaks, I will have accepted death as the greatest gift God can bestow. The life I once knew will be over, but I will finally be fully alive, strengthened in my Savior’s embrace. While dying so utterly broken, I will resiliently rise from the pangs of death, knit into the fabric of eternity.
So please, take courage. Your body may be compromised beyond repair. The breakthrough you hoped for may not come. Prayers for healing may be of no avail. But this need not break you. Go boldly into the night—be attentive to the pain you feel, holding fast to the truth that death is not the end. There is no higher act of valor than pushing forth into the great unknown.
Practice - Go to a cemetery where someone you love is buried. Don’t leave immediately, but walk around for a while and read other headstones. Take note of the brevity of life, and the few words describing each person.
Prayer - Lord, I feel so terribly frail. The night feels so cold, but help me know that the morning will bring the warmth of the Son. Fashion the broken and beleaguered into something beautiful—let my external frailty give way to an internal resolve. Shift my many fears into faith. Amen.
🎥 A Few Recommendations 📚
Well, the summer has come and gone quickly. I know most still have a few weeks to enjoy, but with the beginning of two-a-days (for football) fast approaching, my life is about to get a lot busier. Nonetheless, I will continue to have plenty of pop culture pieces and quality literature to check out.
Twisters (in-theatres) - Tornado Wranglers? Glen Powell in a white t-shirt in the rain? A tornado on fire? I don’t have enough good things to say about this one. It delivered everything I was hoping for, paying homage to the original while also bringing something new. I’m not sure there’s more you can ask for in a (sort of but not really) sequel. (Also, if you missed my top ten rankings of the characters, you can find it here.)
Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World by David Epstein - This is one of my top books in a while. If I had read it when I was younger, I am not sure I would have agreed with the premise. But after more life experience, paired with seeing the specialization of youth sports, I believe it holds the antidote to many of our culture's problems.
Deadpool & Wolverine (in-theatres) - My intent is to give away as little as possible, so no spoilers. Just know that I laughed really hard during this movie—the most I have in a while. This movie was witty, inventive with creative cameos, and had one of the best lines I’ve heard in a long time.
Other - Season 2 of Loot (Apple TV+) is a fun watch. The episodes are short, and the jokes are modern. It was also a good chaser after watching Presumed Innocent—which I did enjoy, though it was much more serious in nature: a courtroom procedural meets a whodunit. (This is also on Apple TV+.) Vince Vaughn had an interesting interview on The Daily. Around the 12-minute mark, he had insightful thoughts on personal growth.
Some (More) Food for Thought
“[For people of faith] God is in control, and God’s love will see the world through. Whereas for secular people, it’s all up to us. We’re alone here. That’s why I think that, for secular people, there can be an additional layer of urgency and despair.” - Larissa MacFarquhar, The New Yorker
The Latest #HornAdventures
We’ve had a summer to remember! Multiple Mariners games, tons of time at the beach with family, every type of camp you can think of, a 2,000+ piece Mario Lego set, and I coached the boys’ summer ball team. There isn’t much else to add other than expressing gratitude for all we’ve been able to do together in such a short time. I hope you’ve had a fantastic summer as well! 😄
